At times I feel as though I am a thousand years old, and a newborn, simultaneously. I feel fresh with an infinite curiosity, while also feeling equivalent to a container filled to the brim with ancient knowledge. I know nothing, all the while I have so much within me. I want to dunk my head into the sea and scream the secrets that exist within the caverns of my heart, or maybe fly to the sun—as I would not burn, for I am an extension of he.
I often (like so many others, especially ‘old souls’ or those who lack the Earth element) find this physical reality exhausting. Human-ing takes much work in order to continue existing in this world, and if it weren’t for a number of things, I could lose myself within the 3D. I am constantly asking for universal reassurance when I am feeling like collapsing into myself. I ask for signs very frequently, mostly by sitting in nature, and having long talks with nature. Most of my talks end in tears of happiness and joy to be figuring things out, and to be receiving such warm reassurance from The Mother. I am always reminded to be proud of how far I have come, and to be joyous about how much more there is to learn and do. I am always told to relax, this too shall pass. No feeling is final...no feeling is final.
When I am not consciously asking for signs, I find myself involved in beautiful synchronicities which often trigger my subconscious, and welcome me into dissecting the aftermath of what I have discovered within. The physical is exhausting for many reasons. For me, the largest reasons are the influx of energy that is overwhelming, or the constant ‘negative’ aspects of humanity we are bombarded with more than ever due to the power of social media. This is both a blessing and a curse, because we have the resources to be more aware than ever, but the opportunities to be aware are often spun for the trick of planting fear into the subconscious and conscious mind. To make us think that the world’s sickness is winning, and that we are all in danger. This is a topic for another post (I am filled with tangents), but the physical is also exhausting because of the mundane things that we are ‘required’ to do in the matrix. I have been thinking a lot about this for weeks now, why I avoid doing things such as making ‘business’ calls, running any errand and coming face to face with someone who wants to discuss the weather, and they laugh and I laugh—not because it is funny, but because I want to be polite—the list goes on and on. I am an introvert, almost to a fault, and if I am not balanced in the way I navigate as an introvert, things can get...cloudy. I will want to stay to myself, hiding in my cave.
I stumbled upon this video about why old souls may have trouble with material abundance, and there was an A-ha! moment (watch it if you feel called, I very much so resonated with it) that involved my dissecting of why the physical exhausts me so much sometimes. A-ha! because I am very active, naturally, in my higher chakras, and I find the astral much easier to navigate than the physical. It all made sense to me because I have been focusing heavily on the lower chakras for over a year now—especially the Root, because I came here to do Human shit in order to further advance as a spiritual being (a reminder: we are all of spirit thus we are ALL spiritual beings). Many of my life lessons circle around to the focus and integration of BALANCE. I was once heavy on escapism, but there is no further reason for that act to exist within me anymore. No escaping from humanity, or from myself. I always felt like I have been here so many times...but I know this time is more different than any other. Being an ‘old soul’ does not make me wiser than any other being. The fact that I have been on this train time and time again?! How hard-headed have I been, I mean, come on? But do not get me wrong, I love a good film or novel to take me away just for a little while, and I always will.
I am a big daydreamer, I would think of myself as a real ‘head in the clouds’ kind of girl when I was younger. At some point I realized the vividness of my daydreams and night-dreams, and this strange ability to create what existed in my head with ease whether it be consciously or subconsciously—the ability was there. The same goes with word magick, and what comes from the feelings I allow to let live and create with. Everything happens faster and faster now, and I must remind myself of what is going on within, will occur without. As above, so below. Universal laws. The Seven Hermetic Principles are asking me to go over them again and again so that I can navigate this matrix to the best of my abilities. Why be given such powerful magick if you just want to stay shut in yourself? The real growth is going to occur applying principles from above, to the bottom half of me, and truly creating what I came here to do. The integration of duality.
But still...it’s exhausting. And sometimes I allow myself space to complain and cry about it, because I am after all, a human ;)
Another topic that has been knocking on my door for quite awhile now, is to be mindful and aware of the state in which I navigate. Balance will forever be a major theme for this Earth walk of mine, but more than ever, I have been called to slow down. S l o w D o w n. Slow down and pay close attention to all that is going on around me, not just within me. It does not do well to ignore the outside, for it is a ‘manifestation’ of what is going on within the inside.
I always walk too fast, my words are rushed often because my mind is running rapid with wild fire thoughts, my heart houses many feelings that come and go daily, etc. My love is a beautiful example of the fruitfulness of taking it slow, and multiple times because of his slowness (this is a compliment), it has triggered my fiery speedy nature, and has sent anxiety into my solar-plexus. Instead of diving into that trigger I often would let my emotions become loose, and attach myself to the feeling of irritation. I did not realize how much of a fault this was until a few weeks ago when I cut my left foot extremely deep with a chipped off piece of sandalwood—to the point where I could not walk on it at all. Sheesh, that sandalwood was so deep, my mom thought I could have needed stitches (she is also someone who tells me many times to slow down). This forced me to take things slow (FINALLY?!), as if I wasn’t constantly being given signs to slow down. I laughed because I imagined how I brought this upon myself, and I finally had to face it and listen, so I did (if the universe had eyes it would be rolling them so hard at me right now). As my foot healed, and I was able to start moving around properly again, I appreciated the fact that I am still here on this physical plane. All of a sudden (not really, because I know I have been building up to this moment) it feels as though I am seeing the world with a different set of eyes. I’m slowing down each time I find myself moving fast, and I hear a gentle voice whispering to me “Slowwww dowwwwwn”. I’m paying more attention to my breathing, and the incoming of my thoughts and emotions. My meditation practice has deepened, and I have been receiving many many downloads like never before. My intuition is off the hook, and I am loving it. I have never felt a groundedness like this, and I am appreciating it every single moment, because it is a challenge for me to ground myself (especially for prolonged periods of time). I know that this quest will be benefiting the next journey of my life. I am learning the ways in which I am able to still feel grounded in times of chaos—as the opportunity is always present, it is for me to choose what I will do. I know that these newfound experiences of mine will often be tested, to throw me off key in this matrix. But I am a tough match, and I am witnessing the juiciness of physicality, and I want to integrate heaven and earth as best as I possibly can.
Shadow work during Gemini season so far has been very rewarding, and I encourage this—especially right now, as duality is embedded within the archetype of Gemini. Pay close attention to your triggers, you are able to go to their root, you are able to heal them. Keep questioning yourself and the spaces around you. Talk to yourself, write and write and write until your pen begins to move almost as if it is moving on its own. Where are you right now? What is holding you back from progression? Are there certain areas you feel energetic blockages?
Dig your own grave, and fill it with seeds that will sprout the most beautiful garden. There is no time like right now to integrate both shadow and light.
I encourage you to come out of hiding.
I encourage you to feel the entirety of this human experience.
It is far more beautiful than we are being told.
You are a magician of both body and mind.
Please do not forget that.
- Kalaéja aka The Roaring Siren