I Don’t Know How To Be Anything But Love

I removed my blog off of my website for awhile.

I‘m not really sure why actually, because I like this place. So it is back.

Anyway.

You know those rides at amusement parks that dip in and out of water, but really fast? The rollercoaster rides? This year has felt like an ongoing water rollercoaster ride, with every dip in the water being a dip into the void that lasts much longer than seconds.

I love that place—the void, the abyss. The sacred healing space. It is profound, and each time I come out from underwater, I am amazed by what I feel, see, and remember from that realm. It has just been very hard this year. I cannot say harder than other years, just different. I have felt myself questioning the questions that make me question myself and my reality. Sometimes it has exhausted me. Sometimes I (more often than not this year) stop and think to myself “What the FUCK am I doing?”. I know what I am doing, you know, but then again I don’t. That’s the thing, none of us really know, even if we know. Does that make you feel naked and bare? I surrender again and again when I feel I am winding myself too tight. Breathe slow, breathe deeply.

I am an Artist. It is hard. You have to have a strong mind and foundation rooted deeply into Earth to pursue this path without breaking and going absolutely nuts. I have that, and I am so thankful that I do. I didn’t used to, I was a very broken teenage girl, but I am blessed to be where I am right now within. Truly, I am. I have worked hard to stand here and face many demons that almost swallowed me completely—well, maybe not completely…but I was in the belly of the beast with my toes sticking out of its mouth. Yet still, sometimes I am just like will I ever break past this fence I feel is trapping me? But, I say there is a fence when there is no fence. Does the fence disappear if I imagine myself freely prancing in and open field with endless opportunity at my fingertips?

I am Ebbing and Flowing through rational and irrational thoughts and that is perfectly normal. It is, I remind myself that I am doing great here. I am doing better than great. I guess this is a common artist thing. A common human thing. I never want to give up though, because what the hell else am I going to do besides this and more?

That crisis has seized almost completely (or so I thought) but today…oh man I was sitting on my floor really down about the whole thing. Really wondering if people really see me the way I want to be seen. Really hurting about my online “engagement” and shaking my head at this whole numbers game getting to me. God, I hate that. This whole social media fight to be seen ordeal. It is so overly saturated there. And then there’s this loneliness that tickles at my heart sometimes. The kind of tickling that is borderline torture because you’re screaming at someone to stop tickling you, and even though you’re laughing it’s pretty terrifying and you’re at the verge of a huge panic.

This Summer I am feeling extremely introspective, hermit-like, and downright reclusive. This is my natural state of being—although I genuinely thrive tremendously in social settings when I actually accept invitations and offers to leave my hermit cave. It’s even more than usual though. This is the state of being where even though I have so much love pouring out of me to give to people in my life, I just…don’t want to. I do not want to talk to anyone, really. Especially through technological devices because it is exhausting. I mean personal conversations, not social media interactions, or anything business related. I have my love who I am always with, and my immediate family, but I can’t bring myself to extend my bubble further right now.

This brings to me to that loneliness itch. These past two (going on three) years I have “lost” nearly all of my close friendships, to the point where I am not sure I truly know what friendship is (I know what it isn’t). It continues on, even when I think that it won’t. I say lost in quotations because it doesn’t feel like a loss to me in a bad way. I feel like I am moving on and so are they, and that is perfectly fine, even though it may hurt. I wonder how people who love me view me, how they feel when they think of my position in their heart. I saw a post last month on instagram that said to stop expecting yourself from other people. That smacked me hard, because I realized that I do that. I have just always questioned why people treat me a certain way when I would never do that to them. But they are not me, and I am not them. Close physical relationships are extremely important to me, and when it comes to female friendships, that no longer exists for me. At least not currently. I feel that where I am right now, I would not be able to nurture those anyway, but maybe I feel that way because I almost can’t imagine having them. I want to creatively visualize those friendships, but I am deeply involved in leveling up my life in areas where this doesn’t seem like something I should conjure up just yet. I can’t talk about these physical friendships without giving great thanks to the friendships I have made through social media—which in fact mean more to me. So this whole hermit business makes me distance myself from those great people, and I hate that. I just want to hug them, right here in the flesh.

The loneliness isn’t concrete, and I would rather a life without half-assed friendships where I don’t feel comfortable enough to open up and let them know one important thing about me, instead of holding on for dear life to people just so that I wouldn’t be alone. I have never been that way, in fact I love being alone. I love it so much it can be to a fault sometimes.

This Summer is very different, and I am excited to continue witnessing my growth through it all. I turn 24 years old on July 24th, and I will dance into my Golden Year with a smile on my face because I truly am so glad to be me in this human suit with my big ol’ heart.

I will continue on questioning myself because I cannot be stagnant, I must perpetually be in a state of growth. Though I will try and simmer down just a bit. Relax, and enjoy these waves. More Ocean dives. More doing nothing. More bird watching. More laying in grass and breathing in fresh air and laughing. I love to laugh, It is medicine. I love love and I am love and I don’t know how to be anything but love.