The Sun Is Alive and So Am I

Can you hear the Lion roaring as He is awakening from his deep slumber?

The Crab crawls across the warm sand, kisses the Moon, and into the depths of the Ocean she will return. She is happy that we are learning, she is proud of the shoveling, and prodding within the unconscious spaces that occupy our being in which we have been taking part in. The Crab says, it is time for a break. It is time to bask in the blessings of the season of the Sun. Go out and play, He is ready for you my children. 

This is my Sun season. My ruler. My devotion to the Sun is like no other. I recently started sun-gazing and meditating as he wakes up to rise each morning, and it is changing me life—for lack of better words. These hours are magickal. When the sky isn’t completely darkened anymore, but it isn’t lit up either. Birdsong is scarce, as the little ones are almost waking up fully out of their sleep. The air is comfortable enough for a simple sweater. The grass beneath my feet is chilly. I roll out my yoga mat, and as soon as I see Him peaking in the sky, Red and luscious, the entirety of my body begins to tingle. It starts in the center, my Pineal Gland, and fills my brain, travels down my eyes, my nose, my tongue, down to my throat, my heart, my Solar-Plexus, and loops back around. I either laugh, let my eyes fill with water, or both. And I thank the Sun again and again for putting on this incredible show, daily, to sustain us all. And He welcomes me by re-awakening deep-set codes within me that have existed through my ancestors for God knows how long. This begins my day with grace, gratitude, love, belonging, groundedness...

It is no coincidence that the return of the Sun’s season would mark the return of the fullness of ME. I have been swimming within deep hermit mode for a complete year, with good reason. I’ll tell you this reason because I am so proud of my growth. I am so proud of the woman who is writing this. And I like to be raw, always raw. 

I have spent a very long time drowning in a self-hatred so deep that it reflected strongly in my environment. It was everywhere, and I could not escape it. But I was ignorant to the knowing of my self-hatred. I was ignorant in knowing that relationships are mirrors. The entirety of my adolescent life was spent running as an escape from ME into the arms of whom I thought would save me, only to destroy me. I’m talking girl-hood to teenage-hood. Because I was destroying myself, and I didn’t know that these arms that I thought were safe to me were physical manifestations of my self-hatred/fears/demons, it was a very confsuing time for me. How could I have confused Love with what I was giving to myself and what I was receiving from others? It was anything but Love. These demons were always scratching at my wrists, they were eating away at my navel, they were clawing at my heart until I thought my world would be dark forever. Still, I thought this was Love, and still, I welcomed it. I did. I did anything for it because I was addicted to my suffering. I was addicted to self sabotoge. I was addicted to receiving abuse in the false guise of Love. This went on for so long. In cycles manifesting in multiple different people. Thank God this over. Thank God this is over because I have taken the steps into healing from this all. Thank God I hold myself accountable.

One day maybe I’ll tell the fullness of this story, somehow, because It’s an important part of my life, but it is long, and so I will shorten it to why I made the decision to build a cave and reside here in Hermit mode for a year. When I was 18 I met the last person who would destroy me into the one that has risen to be here writing this message. I played part in this destruction, as my Scorpio-dominant nature has been very accustomed to learning through destruction (I recently learned to re-write this program). 3 very long damaging years passed and I took control of my being and said fuck that. I don’t have to deal with this abuse. I don’t have to continue to let this black hole feeling follow me around my entire life. And so May of 2017, at the ripe age of 21 I fled to my freedom. On my last update I mentioned my Summer jewelry collection representing my freedom birthday, yes, this is what my freedom birthday is. Literally me ripping off the chains that have gripped tightly at my arms and legs since I was a child, and running into a field of flowers that gave off the scent of FREEDOM.

I have never felt the way I do right now. I have never felt this alive, I have never felt this powerful and full. It’s a blessing, and I can’t stop saying ‘thank you God, thank you thank you thank you’.

It’s easy for me to disappear and journey within for healing. The easy part is the disappearance, the entire experience that follows, boy is that a journey, and a journey it has been. I needed this space to de-program and build myself up from the bottom again. I became a new-born, and each cosmic upgrade I am fine-tuning myself into a wiser woman, thus this fine-tuning reflects on my environment. I am blossoming right now, into this spectacular woman who I have never felt, seen, touched, or heard. I speak with a sureness in my voice, I walk proudly, I command my presence. I asked, ‘who is she?’, and my angels screamed ‘SHE IS YOU’. So here I am crawling out of my hermit cave, proudly, with so many messages, so much Love, so much ME. I bow to The Hermit, who has taught me strength, vulnerability, a newfound sense of creativity, who has nurtured me, fed me, wiped away my tears, and rocked me gently to sleep each night. 

A lot of Cancer season for me, was a very loud introduction to Leo Season. A lot of Solar-Plexus alchemy was taking place. A lot of denoucning shame that has continuously swallowed me whole, a lot of saying ‘I am a Creator’ and wholeheartedly beleiving in my role as a cretaor. A lot of standing face to face with my inner Wounded Masculine, without being able to run from him again. Because he showed up last summer, and I did some work, but it wasn’t near enough. I wasn’t ready, but now I am.

Shortly after I fled to my freedom last year, I was blessed to fall madly in love with a Warrior man who has been helping me heal my Divine Masculinity, and the way I perceive Masculinity. Maybe too, one day I will share this story of him and I, as it tells a story beyond this lifetime, further back than I can touch. It is a lovely story indeed, and I am happy. I am healthy with you, my angel.

Naturally, I have very potent Masculine energy within me. The Sun is my ruler next to Pluto—I’m a Leo Sun, and a life path 1. In my heart I know one of the biggest challenges to overcome in this lifetime for me would be healing my Divine Masculine and integrating the fullness of both Feminine and Masculine within me. The suffering I have faced due to this challenge has had the ability to completely stop me in my tracks. I have wanted to die countless times because of it, and in a figurative sense I did. Growing up without a Father was the soundtrack to this suffering. This is what has caused me to obsessively seek Masculine Love, and each time I was met with the Wounded Masculine, because my own inner Masculine was Wounded. Deeply Wounded, I am talking, thrashed, torn apart into such tiny pieces that I was unsure if it could even be put back together. But I can put together anything, and I laugh as I type this because it isso beautiful to finally re-dsicover pieces that were lost for so long. To brave up and commit to this. It’s a moving experience to lay them out, looking at them saying, ‘Okay, here it all is, this is me right here in front of me, and regardless of all of this pain, I love myself, and I will heal from this pain, I will transmute my suffering’. 

‘Daddy Issues’ are a real thing.

They have the potential to...ruin you.

Let’s be honest, they do.

But I promise, you can choose the higher path in this.

If you are suffering from the Wounded Masculine because of ‘Daddy Issues’, abuse, and so on—I see you, I feel you, and I love you. I cannot tell you exactly how to heal from this, because I haven’t been initiated into doing that *yet*, but maybe one day I can. Regardless, I am here to talk, I welcome it. I am here, always, do not be afraid to reach out to me. 

I have felt so much that I cannot possibly say all that I felt here without writing a thick book of it all. I have been met with a theme of jealously, which I had no idea existed within me, I have been presented with why and how I self-sabotage myself from prospering, and how to stop it. I have sat across from different aspects of my Shadow that have completely shocked me. But hey, I am so glad for it. I am so glad to tune into the darkness and perform such important work there. 

It is time to Celebrate, Love.

Clap your hands for your presence. Rejoice in being right here, regardless of your struggles. You are here. You are HERE.

I will leave you with a few questions, a journal prompt. 

I recommend writing the answer to these in a free flow. Free of judgement, just letting your answer spill onto paper. Another option is doing a voice recording or video response.

 

When is the last time you weren’t wishing that you were somewhere else but where you are?

Don’t judge yourself for the answer that presents itself, but simply bring awareness to your lack of presence in the present. Where you are right now is very important, and focusing on the present will allow you to begin to see blessings unfold that you would not see if you were focused on being somewhere else.

If you have been wishing to be somewhere else, why do you want to be elsewhere than where you are now? How can you take the steps, by focusing on the present, to get to this place, if it woukd better serve you? How can you better yourself as you are, where you are, in order to get to where you want to be?

What exists within you that you should be grateful for, but you seem to forget? How can you better show your gratitude?

I wrote these questions in a journal of mine on a Saturn’s Day. June 30th to be exact. I also planned on speaking about re-writing subconscious programs, but that will come later, my throat says stop here, and so I will.

I wish you a sun-kissed heart and a season filled with play.

Roll around in the grass.

Smile and laugh more.

Move around the stagnant energy in your body! Awaken! Dance! Stretch! Run!

You are here to enjoy this, so please, for the Love of God, enjoy this.

I love you.

- Kalaéja