The Heart's Abyss and Other Stories

Maybe I would like to say that my hermit ways exist only within the darker, colder months of the year—but that would be a lie. I light up around the right people, I love being in social situations when I am in a particular social mood, but most of all I prefer the company of myself. I have always been this way, and as I hermit I create worlds. I dance and play in these worlds, taking in their magick. My hermit nature allows me to create endlessly, and for that I am grateful.

Winter is very special (though Fall is my favorite, and I do think I could exist within a world where it is Fall always), and I feel Winter approaching in my Heart before anything. I feel the need to prepare the stripping of myself fully naked and for the burial underneath piles of snow. I have to prepare to get raw, to go deep, to rest. Oh how I thoroughly enjoy the rest that comes with Winter. Me under mountains of blankets with my books and cups of tea (I am currently in a loving relationship with Earl Grey).

Winter provides the environment for much Shadow Work, realigning, and lots and lots of decay. Not only do the trees shed their leaves, but we shed the pieces of ourselves that are no longer in alignment with who we currently are, and that’s okay, it’s delightful even. Less weight, more flying. More shedding. more change. Snake medicine.

I go through many dramatic phases in my life, because I am a very dramatic, intense, romantic person. I don’t see this as a bad thing at all. I like to experience feeling as much as I possibly can. I love to feel. I love to express my feelings through my art, it is the only way I can enjoy this life. Intensely, or not at all, that is my motto. I had a dream days ago where I finished destroying the symbolic physical example of something I am currently working through within the 3D, and afterwards I found myself picking out a silky robe and lingerie for my rebirth. I kept telling everyone around me that I have to “go die now”, and if my sweet Cancer man (my real life lover) came looking for me, tell him I had to go die but I’ll be reborn soon. That outfit was my rebirth outfit. It was all black—which made me giggle when I recalled the dream because I love to wear black and it’s funny that I wanted to be reborn in black instead of white. In this dream, I was a literal phoenix with magickal powers. It was beautiful., oh my goodness It was a more dramatized version of how I feel in my day-to-day life. Like a phoenix. I come back stronger each time I rebuild from my ashes.

And so, The Heart’s Abyss and Other Stories came to life from this fiery sexy dream of mine. Using the feelings I experienced within this dream to create a collection of jewelry that can work as allies throughout the dark days. Crystals are tools filled with potent medicine that I utilize in any and every situation in my life. The jewelry pieces I created for this Winter collection hold the power to heal along the journey of deepening and freeing up space within the Heart…and anything else that you desire to fill the pages of those other stories.

Lapis Lazuli, Black Onyx, Garnet, Jade

Lapis is the Hot Spring that will loosen you up after being wound so tightly, anxious, and out of sync with your intuition. Lapis takes you to a beach where you may be renewed. A tranquil beach that encourages you to go deeper into yourself. Rich blue waters acting as a potent male-female harmonizer ( harmonizing the aspects of yourself that are polar, so that they may learn to love one another and work together). Lapis wants your imagination to run free. Pineal Gland activation.

24DEDD02-DAF9-401C-B3A6-E1741C49E71F.jpeg
D644E4C4-338F-4825-8A23-0F4902265F46.jpeg

Black Onyx will lead you to show you how powerful you truly are, and how you are able to grab ahold of your life and draw things to you with ease. A gentle whisper in the night to dance to the drums that are calling you to let go. You are protected with Black Onyx. Your fears and anxieties are soothed, you are being lifted back up again to stand strong on your feet.

875A4DE9-4C3A-4828-AB75-4243FBADEC91.jpeg
E6CA4B33-4C81-491B-9255-C4DC62F06C82.jpeg
416A8374-E4AE-46BB-80CC-8A1CC349DE9F.jpeg

Garnet feels like Mama Earth’s sacred blood. Rich, fertile, potent. Garnet knocks on the Heart and will warm it all Winter long. The heat of Garnet is not something to run away from, for this heat can be harnessed and channeled whenever you need it. This fire. Garnet during Winter will remind you again and again that you are still a child of this planet, and through the gloom you are loved. Yes, you are so loved.

2599E9D1-8FCA-4833-AD4C-9823AF1147E5.jpeg
0FE3D703-3D52-400F-A582-59FAAA5E841C.jpeg

Jade…Jade…a thousand blessings giggling within this delicious Green, waiting to tangle themselves all around you. Jade wants butterflies to travel through your center when you feel the richness of your life and how wonderful it is that you are who you are. Jade wants you to experience life fully and as abundantly as you do in your favorite dreams. Jade grabs your hand and prances with you through your dreams. Jade makes them clearer, as she wants you to see that it is never just a dream.

24BA31B4-CAEF-43F7-9BA2-B96B4DDF1D4A.jpeg

I let crystals tell me their story, and develop a relationship with them before I assume they will work for me the exact way a book / article online says they will. You will experience a crystal’s medicine differently from other people. and that is so beautiful. Allow yourself to open up to the face they will greet you with. It might be completely different than what I described above, and allow it. Allow it all.

The Heart’s Abyss and Other Stories is an opening to the unknown.

At the beginning of this journey, you will be greeted by a Sagittarius fire that has been dimmed for too long. This fire will guide you throughout the darkness of the Winter months.

Even when you think that you have reached the end of your journey, go deeper, always deeper. I am with you here.

138ABB89-6467-4A41-A817-327B1F4C7952.jpeg

The Scent Of Your Soul


C93A8D16-8E71-4BF1-8D87-3036C3C07DD4.jpeg

Do you have any idea how deep this goes? Me into you, you into me. When the Moon is filling herself in, I—rising before the Sun himself, gaze outside of my bedroom window. Still sleepy and partially floating within the realm of dreams, I then wonder…can you believe this infinite space conjoined our realities at a time that could not have been more perfect, more absolute for our hearts to reach across cities and tell one another: “Here I am, I am ready now, come home to me”.

I am certain that I would have heard your call no matter where my body was located upon this Earth. Yes, I am certain, because the same dust that is intertwined within your soul dances within mine, and within my bones as well. When you smile in that fresh way, I am reminded of that video of you that I would replay again and again (back when what seems like a lifetime ago now), just to feel the firework explosion of fluttering creatures within my belly. You were so far away from me then, but we are here now, in this togetherness.

We are here, and I plunge deep into The Abyss for this love. You do not hesitate to swim right after me. How satisfying it is to see myself within your eyes and be this free, this encouraged to be free. Keep showing me you, you in all shapes, you in all forms. I am privy to both your soul’s and heart’s scent no matter what you physically choose to embody in this timeline.

I travel within the corridors of your magnificence, and God, how vast your library is. How I could cozy up with a cup of tea and make a career out of studying you…you who, rightfully so, seems to have been the sculptor of my body with your bare hands. Do our minds connect by an invisible thread? Did you know that when I spin into your love, I spin into my own love? You must know, because I did not shine as bright as I do now, before you. Don’t you see this?

We are going to fall, float, soar, dive, and soak in love over and over again, in so many different places.

You and I.

5F4740E1-4A47-4F8C-91B1-239ABC80F1E3.jpeg
7ED4272D-E084-4934-818E-3769A5D538F7.jpeg
 
 

Is It August?

 Automatic Drawing exercise.

Automatic Drawing exercise.

 Automatic writing exercise.

Automatic writing exercise.

I began to feel the Cave that surrounds and protects my Heart crumble bit by bit with every passing day. Almost as if the remembrance of tuning back into my Heart, and coming back to gratitude were fading away.

Blurry.

Hazy.

Fuzy.

 

I surrendered to the darkness. I say that I look just as good in my maddening state as I do when I am vibrating high. It’s all a part of this cycle, a part of being human. So I let myself be, and because of that, profound things happen each time I find myself swimming (or let’s be real, it is more so drowning) within the Unconscious.

 

It has felt like one foot in The Cosmic Party, one foot swimming in the Unconscious.

 

Each morning I rise to greet the day meditating in front of my altar. Doing my libations, communing with my guides, my angels, my ancestors.

My guides say “Let it all come undone, you are a sacred seamstress, you can sew it all back together again”. I did just that. Being loose with rage, sadness, despair, fear, worry, it’s a feeling I almost cannot explain. I feel as though they would never let me fall off the deep end. I felt protected and safe throughout this rage.

 

A new timeline has already began.

I asked, why do I feel this way then?

I was told that there were some things that could not exist within this new timeline, and in order for me to fully embrace this step, I would have to vibrate here for a little while to uncover what needs to be healed first. Only then could I fully immerse myself within The Cosmic Party.

I asked, well how do I do that?

Ask, they said.

And so I did.

 

In my dreams I spoke to a woman who said to me, “You think you’re perfect huh? You think you don’t have any flaws?”. This was triggering to me. I blurted out to her, with no repression, no filter, the things about myself that I am not proud of. Things I have not expressed in my waking life. These things were what is holding me back from total liberation.

 

I yelled to her through tears. I cried and I cried and I cried.

 

After this dream, I had a dream that showed me that I am not utilizing my intuition to my greatest abilities. I saw something before it happened, and because I ignored what I saw, I found myself in danger. I had my test, and someone had to come save me from the clutches of an evil man.

 

Thank God for these dreams. Thank God for the ability to see.

 

Because I can see, clearer than ever now, I am always finding reminders that I am on the right path whenever I am low. That keeps me going.

 

Tonight I will weep some more for these ashes of me.

Tonight I will weep for The Mother, and all the ways Humans are unkind to her.

Tonight I will weep for those who cannot weep themselves.

 

I truly have shifted into seeing a sensitivity to energy as a Gift, for as if I was not gifted with this ability to feel subtle vibrations, the ability to See, I would not be able to do anything that I am currently doing. This sensitivity comes with feeling the energy of the Collective swallow me whole again and again. I have been lethargic, anxious, angry. I feel my own energy, and everyone else’s. Last night My Love reminded me how I can better channel and transmute all of this energy, as he is too a highly sensitive being. He reminds me that I have the ability to transcend a fixed state, again and again. I am always transforming, a numerous amount of things wrapped into one Human Being.

 

Last year’s Pisces Full Moon I felt myself drowning in her waters. Today, I feel a completion of a cycle. I feel refreshed, cleansed. I am bathing in her and she is wiping away all of the pain.

 

I am grateful for the lows. I am grateful for the protection I am given within the lows.

I am grateful to be having this human experience.

 

I am grateful to be

Me.


Happy Pisces Full Moon.

The Cosmic Party

IMG_3993.jpg

All of these photos were taken by me while exploring nature with my Lover. What a gloomy, chilly, yet lovely day in San Francisco it was.

 

Within me is truth that wants to be shown to you:

I… am thankful for the ending of Eclipse Season. Although I have learned a great deal about the way I operate internally, externally, and have received many downloads through the astral and during my waking life, my goodness, this was tough.

Eclipse Season felt like being stuck within the birth canal for three months.

Eclipse Season felt like feeling a fire burning amongst your skin, and no matter how many times you would scream for help that you were on fire, nobody could hear your cry.

It was you and the Abyss.

Only you

and the Abyss.

You awaken in the dark, only to be shoved into the light with no three - two - one countdown.

Shoved into the light only to be pulled back into the darkness by your fingertips.

The part of me that enjoys finding the silver lining in everything wants to make Eclipse Season sound like a dip in a Hot Spring. A Hot Spring that you wind down in every night with a glass of the drink you thoroughly enjoy—but let’s be real, it has been a shit show. A showing of your heart’s desires and fears, appearing almost similar, you must close your eyes and plunge deep within to intuitively seperate the two. Or maybe, it felt more like the fears were guarding the gate to your desires, not allowing anyone—not even you, to pass through to them. Maybe the worrisome fears began to grow, because your heart began to feel further and further away from being reached. Or better yet, maybe you found the irony of being “strong” in this realm, as you slayed those guards, and opened your heart so much that you could not stop weeping.

Weeping for the loss of what kept you so far away from yourself for a long time.

Weeping for the crumbling of who you once were.

Weeping for the unknowingness of who you will soon become.

And it’s frightening because all you’ve ever known has been burned to ashes.

But from these ashes you must rebuild. One mourns for the old timeline that they no longer swim within, but these tears will be used to craft an ocean to be reborn under.

Fertile waters we are dipping in now.

IMG_3998.jpg

If you listen closely with your ear to Earth, or holding your breath underneath these waters, you will begin to hear a subtle beat.

A beat so subtle, you cannot tell if it’s your heart, The Mother’s heart, or some far away song that makes you want to slither, wind, shake, jump.

Closed eyes with hands to the sky.

All of that. The beat makes you want to do all of that.

What if I were to tell you, that the beat is a culmination of all that you think it is?

The beat is the welcoming of The Cosmic Party.

Mmm...The Cosmic Party.

We are here, you are here, I am here.

It is a miracle.

A miracle to survive these heavy energetic times with a heart wide open, leaking love all over the streets, my sheets. Word to Frida Kahlo, Queen of Queens.

It is a miracle to stare at my Earth-adorned melanated skin, and feel the potent mixture of the pain and Love of my ancestral lineage. To fall to my knees with cries of thankful tears for all of the trauma they endured, promising my best foot forward to pour my Love into every wound, every bruise.

Miracle DNA flowing through my veins.

Resilient.

Welcoming myself again and again within a society that has never welcomed me or my Divine kind.

Black Woman and Witch.

How does it feel to be not 2, but 3 of the most hated, misunderstood things on this Earth?

Powerful, but so frightening.

Thank God for the Spirit team that carries me.

Thank God for the Spirit team that carries you.

To be here, as I Am, writing this is literally a miracle, and I would be foolish to live as though my existence isn’t just that.

IMG_4023.jpg

And so I was reminded of this as I began to hear the music, that subtle beat. I was loopy with lack of sleep giggling to my Lover about this Cosmic Party taking place. Mystified, he waited to hear what you read. It was silly at first, until the next day the feeling grew larger, and the beat grew stronger. And I knew more of what this was.

I realized that this Cosmic Party taking place right now is multi-dimensional. Bring your angels, your guides, and your ancestors. Everyone is invited. The Veil has been feeling so thin, that I am literally feeling the presence of my Spirit team on my skin as if someone in the 3D has been lightly touching me. Touching me to remind me that I am not alone. This being so, it is not surprising that this party exists beyond what the average human eye can see.

The Cosmic Party is all access indeed, but there is a password.

For you astrologers, and those extra sensitive to divine timing, think back to the Lion’s Gate portal.

How far apart did your heart get ripped open?

How loudly did you Roar?

Aren’t you still so glad to feel Love?

The password to this party is jumping up and down in your heart as you read this, Love. The password to this party is a puzzle that can be solved as long as you are embodying the fullness of your Truth. As long as you are doing the work, you will feel it.

The Cosmic party is a CONGRATULATIONS for making it this far, and it welcomes you to keep walking further. Carrying on through the ebbs and flows of daily living. Here at The Cosmic Party, we are celebrating all that we are, all that we have done, and all that we will do.

The Cosmic Party is a celebration of You.

A celebration of the Lion-Hearted.

A celebration of The Loners, The Lovers.

A celebration of The Misunderstood.

A celebration of The Poets and The Mystics and The Freaks and The Magicians.

The Cosmic Party is calling to The Hermits to come out. Please don’t hide anymore. Uncloak yourself and let the Sun kiss away your sadness. It’s okay, I promise you. The Cosmic Party sings of your battles, and the promise - so close to a dream - that what remains when the horn sounds will build a much brighter day that shines the same way you do at your best.

IMG_4027.jpg

You may be in pain.

You may be sick with worry.

You may be doubtful.

You may be anxious.

You may be depressed.

I honor You, Love, as you are, right now.

 

I see you, and still, you are welcomed.

It is hard to be here, I know it is. It is hard for me too.

It is uncomfortable and tiring.

But Love, don’t you see that you are still here?

Don’t you see the beauty in your here-ness?

 

Don’t you see, we must dance until our legs give out. We must scream until our throats tingle with a tiredness that can no longer muster up a squeek. We must cry and cry and cry. We must laugh and laugh and laugh.

The Cosmic Party wants you to know, that the feeling of release, deep breathing, fulfilment, pure Love, joyfulness, peacefulness, mindfulness...these feelings are always available to you.

IMG_4042.jpg

I believe Life is meant to be lived as though there is always this Cosmic Party taking place. I believe this Life is not hell, but a passageway to something greater. The stop before it all truly begins. The place we come to learn before we climb our highest up the Ladder Of Love.

I ask you to take my hand as we embark on this journey of The Cosmic Party.

I ask you to free your mind of restrictions, limitations, and experience what it feels to embody the miracle that is you in your lovely form.

You, dying and being rebirthed by way of The Ancestors.

You, embedded with knowledge by way of The Ancestors.

Thank God I have all of this Love to give.

Let me fill your cup.

Love is the most delicious nectar to get drunk within.

I am drunk.

I wish for you to be too.

The Sun Is Alive and So Am I

Can you hear the Lion roaring as He is awakening from his deep slumber?

The Crab crawls across the warm sand, kisses the Moon, and into the depths of the Ocean she will return. She is happy that we are learning, she is proud of the shoveling, and prodding within the unconscious spaces that occupy our being in which we have been taking part in. The Crab says, it is time for a break. It is time to bask in the blessings of the season of the Sun. Go out and play, He is ready for you my children. 

This is my Sun season. My ruler. My devotion to the Sun is like no other. I recently started sun-gazing and meditating as he wakes up to rise each morning, and it is changing me life—for lack of better words. These hours are magickal. When the sky isn’t completely darkened anymore, but it isn’t lit up either. Birdsong is scarce, as the little ones are almost waking up fully out of their sleep. The air is comfortable enough for a simple sweater. The grass beneath my feet is chilly. I roll out my yoga mat, and as soon as I see Him peaking in the sky, Red and luscious, the entirety of my body begins to tingle. It starts in the center, my Pineal Gland, and fills my brain, travels down my eyes, my nose, my tongue, down to my throat, my heart, my Solar-Plexus, and loops back around. I either laugh, let my eyes fill with water, or both. And I thank the Sun again and again for putting on this incredible show, daily, to sustain us all. And He welcomes me by re-awakening deep-set codes within me that have existed through my ancestors for God knows how long. This begins my day with grace, gratitude, love, belonging, groundedness...

It is no coincidence that the return of the Sun’s season would mark the return of the fullness of ME. I have been swimming within deep hermit mode for a complete year, with good reason. I’ll tell you this reason because I am so proud of my growth. I am so proud of the woman who is writing this. And I like to be raw, always raw. 

I have spent a very long time drowning in a self-hatred so deep that it reflected strongly in my environment. It was everywhere, and I could not escape it. But I was ignorant to the knowing of my self-hatred. I was ignorant in knowing that relationships are mirrors. The entirety of my adolescent life was spent running as an escape from ME into the arms of whom I thought would save me, only to destroy me. I’m talking girl-hood to teenage-hood. Because I was destroying myself, and I didn’t know that these arms that I thought were safe to me were physical manifestations of my self-hatred/fears/demons, it was a very confsuing time for me. How could I have confused Love with what I was giving to myself and what I was receiving from others? It was anything but Love. These demons were always scratching at my wrists, they were eating away at my navel, they were clawing at my heart until I thought my world would be dark forever. Still, I thought this was Love, and still, I welcomed it. I did. I did anything for it because I was addicted to my suffering. I was addicted to self sabotoge. I was addicted to receiving abuse in the false guise of Love. This went on for so long. In cycles manifesting in multiple different people. Thank God this over. Thank God this is over because I have taken the steps into healing from this all. Thank God I hold myself accountable.

One day maybe I’ll tell the fullness of this story, somehow, because It’s an important part of my life, but it is long, and so I will shorten it to why I made the decision to build a cave and reside here in Hermit mode for a year. When I was 18 I met the last person who would destroy me into the one that has risen to be here writing this message. I played part in this destruction, as my Scorpio-dominant nature has been very accustomed to learning through destruction (I recently learned to re-write this program). 3 very long damaging years passed and I took control of my being and said fuck that. I don’t have to deal with this abuse. I don’t have to continue to let this black hole feeling follow me around my entire life. And so May of 2017, at the ripe age of 21 I fled to my freedom. On my last update I mentioned my Summer jewelry collection representing my freedom birthday, yes, this is what my freedom birthday is. Literally me ripping off the chains that have gripped tightly at my arms and legs since I was a child, and running into a field of flowers that gave off the scent of FREEDOM.

I have never felt the way I do right now. I have never felt this alive, I have never felt this powerful and full. It’s a blessing, and I can’t stop saying ‘thank you God, thank you thank you thank you’.

It’s easy for me to disappear and journey within for healing. The easy part is the disappearance, the entire experience that follows, boy is that a journey, and a journey it has been. I needed this space to de-program and build myself up from the bottom again. I became a new-born, and each cosmic upgrade I am fine-tuning myself into a wiser woman, thus this fine-tuning reflects on my environment. I am blossoming right now, into this spectacular woman who I have never felt, seen, touched, or heard. I speak with a sureness in my voice, I walk proudly, I command my presence. I asked, ‘who is she?’, and my angels screamed ‘SHE IS YOU’. So here I am crawling out of my hermit cave, proudly, with so many messages, so much Love, so much ME. I bow to The Hermit, who has taught me strength, vulnerability, a newfound sense of creativity, who has nurtured me, fed me, wiped away my tears, and rocked me gently to sleep each night. 

A lot of Cancer season for me, was a very loud introduction to Leo Season. A lot of Solar-Plexus alchemy was taking place. A lot of denoucning shame that has continuously swallowed me whole, a lot of saying ‘I am a Creator’ and wholeheartedly beleiving in my role as a cretaor. A lot of standing face to face with my inner Wounded Masculine, without being able to run from him again. Because he showed up last summer, and I did some work, but it wasn’t near enough. I wasn’t ready, but now I am.

Shortly after I fled to my freedom last year, I was blessed to fall madly in love with a Warrior man who has been helping me heal my Divine Masculinity, and the way I perceive Masculinity. Maybe too, one day I will share this story of him and I, as it tells a story beyond this lifetime, further back than I can touch. It is a lovely story indeed, and I am happy. I am healthy with you, my angel.

Naturally, I have very potent Masculine energy within me. The Sun is my ruler next to Pluto—I’m a Leo Sun, and a life path 1. In my heart I know one of the biggest challenges to overcome in this lifetime for me would be healing my Divine Masculine and integrating the fullness of both Feminine and Masculine within me. The suffering I have faced due to this challenge has had the ability to completely stop me in my tracks. I have wanted to die countless times because of it, and in a figurative sense I did. Growing up without a Father was the soundtrack to this suffering. This is what has caused me to obsessively seek Masculine Love, and each time I was met with the Wounded Masculine, because my own inner Masculine was Wounded. Deeply Wounded, I am talking, thrashed, torn apart into such tiny pieces that I was unsure if it could even be put back together. But I can put together anything, and I laugh as I type this because it isso beautiful to finally re-dsicover pieces that were lost for so long. To brave up and commit to this. It’s a moving experience to lay them out, looking at them saying, ‘Okay, here it all is, this is me right here in front of me, and regardless of all of this pain, I love myself, and I will heal from this pain, I will transmute my suffering’. 

‘Daddy Issues’ are a real thing.

They have the potential to...ruin you.

Let’s be honest, they do.

But I promise, you can choose the higher path in this.

If you are suffering from the Wounded Masculine because of ‘Daddy Issues’, abuse, and so on—I see you, I feel you, and I love you. I cannot tell you exactly how to heal from this, because I haven’t been initiated into doing that *yet*, but maybe one day I can. Regardless, I am here to talk, I welcome it. I am here, always, do not be afraid to reach out to me. 

I have felt so much that I cannot possibly say all that I felt here without writing a thick book of it all. I have been met with a theme of jealously, which I had no idea existed within me, I have been presented with why and how I self-sabotage myself from prospering, and how to stop it. I have sat across from different aspects of my Shadow that have completely shocked me. But hey, I am so glad for it. I am so glad to tune into the darkness and perform such important work there. 

It is time to Celebrate, Love.

Clap your hands for your presence. Rejoice in being right here, regardless of your struggles. You are here. You are HERE.

I will leave you with a few questions, a journal prompt. 

I recommend writing the answer to these in a free flow. Free of judgement, just letting your answer spill onto paper. Another option is doing a voice recording or video response.

 

When is the last time you weren’t wishing that you were somewhere else but where you are?

Don’t judge yourself for the answer that presents itself, but simply bring awareness to your lack of presence in the present. Where you are right now is very important, and focusing on the present will allow you to begin to see blessings unfold that you would not see if you were focused on being somewhere else.

If you have been wishing to be somewhere else, why do you want to be elsewhere than where you are now? How can you take the steps, by focusing on the present, to get to this place, if it woukd better serve you? How can you better yourself as you are, where you are, in order to get to where you want to be?

What exists within you that you should be grateful for, but you seem to forget? How can you better show your gratitude?

I wrote these questions in a journal of mine on a Saturn’s Day. June 30th to be exact. I also planned on speaking about re-writing subconscious programs, but that will come later, my throat says stop here, and so I will.

I wish you a sun-kissed heart and a season filled with play.

Roll around in the grass.

Smile and laugh more.

Move around the stagnant energy in your body! Awaken! Dance! Stretch! Run!

You are here to enjoy this, so please, for the Love of God, enjoy this.

I love you.

- Kalaéja

Messages From The Underworld: Bring Your Head Down From The Clouds and Ground Into Earth

 

At times I feel as though I am a thousand years old, and a newborn, simultaneously. I feel fresh with an infinite curiosity, while also feeling equivalent to a container filled to the brim with ancient knowledge. I know nothing, all the while I have so much within me. I want to dunk my head into the sea and scream the secrets that exist within the caverns of my heart, or maybe fly to the sun—as I would not burn, for I am an extension of he. 

I often (like so many others, especially ‘old souls’ or those who lack the Earth element) find this physical reality exhausting. Human-ing takes much work in order to continue existing in this world, and if it weren’t for a number of things, I could lose myself within the 3D. I am constantly asking for universal reassurance when I am feeling like collapsing into myself. I ask for signs very frequently, mostly by sitting in nature, and having long talks with nature. Most of my talks end in tears of happiness and joy to be figuring things out, and to be receiving such warm reassurance from The Mother. I am always reminded to be proud of how far I have come, and to be joyous about how much more there is to learn and do. I am always told to relax, this too shall pass. No feeling is final...no feeling is final.

When I am not consciously asking for signs, I find myself involved in beautiful synchronicities which often trigger my subconscious, and welcome me into dissecting the aftermath of what I have discovered within. The physical is exhausting for many reasons. For me, the largest reasons are the influx of energy that is overwhelming, or the constant ‘negative’ aspects of humanity we are bombarded with more than ever due to the power of social media. This is both a blessing and a curse, because we have the resources to be more aware than ever, but the opportunities to be aware are often spun for the trick of planting fear into the subconscious and conscious mind. To make us think that the world’s sickness is winning, and that we are all in danger. This is a topic for another post (I am filled with tangents), but the physical is also exhausting because of the mundane things that we are ‘required’ to do in the matrix. I have been thinking a lot about this for weeks now, why I avoid doing things such as making ‘business’ calls, running any errand and coming face to face with someone who wants to discuss the weather, and they laugh and I laugh—not because it is funny, but because I want to be polite—the list goes on and on. I am an introvert, almost to a fault, and if I am not balanced in the way I navigate as an introvert, things can get...cloudy. I will want to stay to myself, hiding in my cave. 

 I stumbled upon this video about why old souls may have trouble with material abundance, and there was an A-ha! moment (watch it if you feel called, I very much so resonated with it) that involved my dissecting of why the physical exhausts me so much sometimes. A-ha! because I am very active, naturally, in my higher chakras, and I find the astral much easier to navigate than the physical. It all made sense to me because I have been focusing heavily on the lower chakras for over a year now—especially the Root, because I came here to do Human shit in order to further advance as a spiritual being (a reminder: we are all of spirit thus we are ALL spiritual beings). Many of my life lessons circle around to the focus and integration of BALANCE. I was once heavy on escapism, but there is no further reason for that act to exist within me anymore. No escaping from humanity, or from myself. I always felt like I have been here so many times...but I know this time is more different than any other. Being an ‘old soul’ does not make me wiser than any other being. The fact that I have been on this train time and time again?! How hard-headed have I been, I mean, come on? But do not get me wrong, I love a good film or novel to take me away just for a little while, and I always will. 

I am a big daydreamer, I would think of myself as a real ‘head in the clouds’ kind of girl when I was younger. At some point I realized the vividness of my daydreams and night-dreams, and this strange ability to create what existed in my head with ease whether it be consciously or subconsciously—the ability was there. The same goes with word magick, and what comes from the feelings I allow to let live and create with. Everything happens faster and faster now, and I must remind myself of what is going on within, will occur without. As above, so below. Universal laws. The Seven Hermetic Principles are asking me to go over them again and again so that I can navigate this matrix to the best of my abilities. Why be given such powerful magick if you just want to stay shut in yourself? The real growth is going to occur applying principles from above, to the bottom half of me, and truly creating what I came here to do. The integration of duality.

But still...it’s exhausting. And sometimes I allow myself space to complain and cry about it, because I am after all, a human ;)

Another topic that has been knocking on my door for quite awhile now, is to be mindful and aware of the state in which I navigate. Balance will forever be a major theme for this Earth walk of mine, but more than ever, I have been called to slow down. S l o w D o w n. Slow down and pay close attention to all that is going on around me, not just within me. It does not do well to ignore the outside, for it is a ‘manifestation’ of what is going on within the inside. 

I always walk too fast, my words are rushed often because my mind is running rapid with wild fire thoughts, my heart houses many feelings that come and go daily, etc. My love is a beautiful example of the fruitfulness of taking it slow, and multiple times because of his slowness (this is a compliment), it has triggered my fiery speedy nature, and has sent anxiety into my solar-plexus. Instead of diving into that trigger I often would let my emotions become loose, and attach myself to the feeling of irritation. I did not realize how much of a fault this was until a few weeks ago when I cut my left foot extremely deep with a chipped off piece of sandalwood—to the point where I could not walk on it at all. Sheesh, that sandalwood was so deep, my mom thought I could have needed stitches (she is also someone who tells me many times to slow down). This forced me to take things slow (FINALLY?!), as if I wasn’t constantly being given signs to slow down. I laughed because I imagined how I brought this upon myself, and I finally had to face it and listen, so I did (if the universe had eyes it would be rolling them so hard at me right now). As my foot healed, and I was able to start moving around properly again, I appreciated the fact that I am still here on this physical plane. All of a sudden (not really, because I know I have been building up to this moment) it feels as though I am seeing the world with a different set of eyes. I’m slowing down each time I find myself moving fast, and I hear a gentle voice whispering to me “Slowwww dowwwwwn”. I’m paying more attention to my breathing, and the incoming of my thoughts and emotions. My meditation practice has deepened, and I have been receiving many many downloads like never before. My intuition is off the hook, and I am loving it. I have never felt a groundedness like this, and I am appreciating it every single moment, because it is a challenge for me to ground myself (especially for prolonged periods of time). I know that this quest will be benefiting the next journey of my life. I am learning the ways in which I am able to still feel grounded in times of chaos—as the opportunity is always present, it is for me to choose what I will do. I know that these newfound experiences of mine will often be tested, to throw me off key in this matrix. But I am a tough match, and I am witnessing the juiciness of physicality, and I want to integrate heaven and earth as best as I possibly can. 

Shadow work during Gemini season so far has been very rewarding, and I encourage this—especially right now, as duality is embedded within the archetype of Gemini. Pay close attention to your triggers, you are able to go to their root, you are able to heal them. Keep questioning yourself and the spaces around you. Talk to yourself, write and write and write until your pen begins to move almost as if it is moving on its own. Where are you right now? What is holding you back from progression? Are there certain areas you feel energetic blockages? 

Dig your own grave, and fill it with seeds that will sprout the most beautiful garden. There is no time like right now to integrate both shadow and light. 

I encourage you to come out of hiding.

I encourage you to feel the entirety of this human experience.

It is far more beautiful than we are being told.

You are a magician of both body and mind.

Please do not forget that.

 

- Kalaéja aka The Roaring Siren

 

 

Messages From The Underworld: Meeting She Who Creates and Destroys

“The secret is that only that which can destroy itself is truly alive.”

—C.G Jung

i’m writing this on Friday the 13th—my favorite day. the moon is in her dark phase, and i am flowing in between the last days of my moon. i am being called to share this with you all, so let us begin. my hopes are to begin to present to those who wish to read; the lessons, dreams, and messages received as i work with my shadow. i will present all that i wish to share when i am here within the underworld, here in the void, and hand in hand with She Who Creates and Destroys — The Dark Goddess, within the fullness of The Mother. 

let me start out by saying, i have been a frequent traveler to and from the void, before i knew this is where i was going, and before i knew the name. before i found that i was born during the dark moon phase (which is where we are right now at this moment, how beautiful), and before i answered “yes” to the loud call of She Who Creates and Destroys. now, i do say that i was born for this, because i wholeheartedly believe that  i was. i am here to spark the fire that destroys the old ways of the women before me in my ancestral lineage, and birth the path that we have been called to walk for a long time. the story of me coming to this realization came from the departure of an abusive relationship, taking psychedelics for the first time (and alone), and a few more special things. but we can save that juicy tale for later. oh yes, we will be diving deep in this online journal of mine. the deeper, the better (don’t you agree?).

the underworld, the void, the space in between, that is where all of the magick happens. i am so giddy whenever it approaches because it is a beautiful time of introspection and self-reflection. it is a quiet space, and many people are frightened by silence. when it is silent, the absence of noise can be overpowered by our loud mind chatter. you might say, that is no fun, but it is. within that mind chatter, there are secrets to be unlocked. you might find a missing piece to the puzzle that is you. and you may be presented with many “a-HA” moments. silence is to be welcomed...along with your internal ‘craziness’. 

i travel to the void in my dreams, during meditation, when i am embarking a shadow work quest, and my favorite times of all—during the dark moon phase, and during my period, my sacred moon. the messages are at their most compelling here. they are stronger than they ever could be any other time. for when i bleed, i am taking on the task of healing and freeing what has been stored in my womb from those who came before me, and all that i have accumulated through the unconscious working of my own. i as in you, as in we, to whomever darling sister is reading this. i pick my moon as the perfect time to share these messages. right now, and the later to come. when i am on my last day of bleeding, and have spent enough time with what needs to be said, i can then formulate the images, sounds, smells, and lessons, into messages. messages from the underworld. 

now, who is The Dark Goddess? well, she is present in us all, and she goes by many names. she is what has been repressed in countless generations of women. she is the horrific events and the fear of being ostracized (or even killed) for practicing our truths. for embodying the fullness of what it is to be a woman. she is all that has been buried deep within our psyche as she now screams “LET ME OUT, I WANT TO HELP YOU!”. because of her darkness it is that she is able to help us heal. in her destruction there is creation. she makes it apparent that we must embrace the unpredictability of life. we must accept the unknown, and it is okay to journey there. within her darkness lies the space in which healing is given room to take place. she is the wild woman who cannot be tamed. let me pause here and say, Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes has a lot to do with where i am currently on my path. the author has a remarkable way of storytelling that speaks right to the soul. she is a poet, a Jungian analyst, and intricately tells the stories of hidden archetypes of the feminine. without knowing this would happen, this book has planted many seeds within me, and truly pushed my journey into my shadow. i give thanks to this book, to Clarissa Pinkola Estes, and to the beautiful woman who gifted me this book in the fall of 2014. 

C.G. Jung described the unknown “dark side” of our personality as the “shadow”. this shadow consists of human emotions that have been labeled “negative” such as greed, anger, lust, selfishness, and so on. what we seem to deem as inferior to us, as unacceptable, what we deny in ourselves, it all becomes a part of our shadow. The Dark Goddess can show us the way to our shadow. she can guide us throughout it, for she rules this realm. she is the forgotten part of us. she swims within the shadow, and she has many archetypes that can aid the dive into the shadow.

The Dark Goddess is connected to the heart. she engulfs you with so much love, that you are quite dumbfounded as to why she has been hidden. you ask her, “why are people so afraid of you?”. you learn and you laugh. without her, the fullness of divine femininity is not complete. without her, we cannot lock our full power, our full potential. now, this isn’t a trip to Disneyland (it can be according to your perception of things) but it is a joyous ride because you realize that you have never felt as free as this, wrapped in the warmth of her love. yes, she is warm. darkness does not have to be cold. The Dark Goddess takes you to the places you are most uncomfortable with and she peels your eyes open. she tells you to look them in the eye. she tells you confront your wounds. she takes you to your fear’s edge—dropping you and catching you all at once. she is sensual, and is confident in her sensuality. she is confident in her power. she is the fire power of the warrior goddess. she who isn’t afraid to say NO. she who does not settle and does not let anyone abuse her. The Dark Goddess does not hate men, but she does not stand for the lies and deception of The Patriarchy. she recognizes the divine masculine when she sees and feels him. she shows you the way to him, and she shows you the way to yourself first—so that you may open up to him. she only stands hand in hand with Shiva, as she exists within the sacred union of divine masculine and divine feminine, for she is the missing link. to open yourself up and to be fully alive is to welcome The Dark Goddess and merge with her. she purifies us through love, and she shows us our wildness and says; “my lovely, do not forget her. do not forget who you really are.” 

i began to really feel her during times of PMS. when my highest self was downright sick of the abuse that i was letting myself go through. enough was enough, and she came full force. rage would hit me. sadness would engulf me, and i could not understand what was happening. one day i woke up, and everything was different. it was not until i could no longer ignore her message because she was everywhere i went, and in everything i did.  i felt her love before i was even willing to accept her invitation. she didn’t give up on me, and i am so thankful i took her hand. she allows for collective dirt to be washed clean, for past life fear to be settled, and for trauma and family karma to be recognized and healed. all of that junk we so love to harbor in our wombs that eventually manifests as pain? yes, she teaches us how to overcome all of this. i feel as though i am still at the “beginning” of my journey with her. not that there is an end, but because we are just getting started and there is much to be done. i can say that working with Dark Goddess energy is not for everyone, because it is such extensive work, but i want it to be for everyone. and if you are ready you will journey there too. once you commit, there is no turning back. let me say, this is exhausting heavy work, though necessary and rewarding. have i said how much she loves us? she will greet you with a deep found love in which you will not be able to find anywhere else. and you will know that you are at home because she is the familiar place you forgot you loved so much. 

The Dark Goddess lives in many powerful female forces;

she is Kali

she is Lilith

she is Oya

she is Medusa

she is Chamunda

she is Sekhmet

she is Inanna

she is Ereshkigal

she is The Crone

she is Baba Yaga

she is Hecate

she is so much more. she is both frightening and intriguing. the mind’s trickery tells you to turn away, but your heart screams to venture towards her—for we must accept the death nature of existence. it is as natural as birth, it two sides of the same coin. welcoming and accepting death, we have no fear. we can heal, and we are powerful. this applies to the destruction of silly mental formations; she makes it apparent that we must embrace the unpredictability of life, we must accept the unknown, and it is okay to journey there.

i say all of this to make it known that only worshipping the light is dehumanizing. to do so says that light is all that we are, that our darkness does not deserve recognition, and our shadow side is nothing. this rejection has created an extremely dysfunctional society. i do not label myself as a “lightworker”, nor do i parade around speaking of the divine feminine as the embodiment of all that is light. our imperfection is what makes us human. the shadow is nothing to be ashamed of. it exists within us all. the Dark Goddess is roaring louder than ever, for she has been hidden within the female psyche for far too long. healing aspects of your shadow calls for you to identity the pieces of you that have gone untouched, for the shadow cannot be ignored, and the Dark Goddess cannot be silenced. 

different goddesses can help guide you along this healing path within the shadow, as they provide templates for shadow emotions. you may call out to them through prayer and meditation. you may create a sacred altar for them (the dark moon is a very potent time to ask for the Dark Goddess to take your hand and guide you towards self discovery). light a black candle for her, open up your heart and be prepared to dive deep within the darkness of self. include on your altar what represents darkness for you. listen for the subtle energies of her answering your call. Lilith is who called out to me, and this journey with her so far—my goodness i am so glad to be on it. i have Dark Moon Lilith in Gemini in my 8th house—which was enough for me to say, hell yes Lilith i am all yours. personally i find healing with Dark Goddess energy to be the most profound during my time of bleeding, and during the dark moon. our blood shedding signifies holy death, release, and creation. if i am called to do so, i will continue to relay the messages i receive from the underworld during each cycle of my bleeding. i also plan on talking more about my personal experiences with Lilith later. 

we are both light and dark beings.

acknowledging both sides allows for the embarking of the most incredible journey.

be courageous if you wish to embark on this journey of true self-discovery and healing. you will be glad that you did. many blessings to you, and may you discover the fullness of self through your own darkness. 

— Kalaéja aka The Roaring Siren

 

Begin.

Hello,

I am so happy that you are here. I am so happy that I am here. We are here together, on this journey, doesn't that make you smile? Today is my 1st year of running this beautiful shop of mine. And now we have morphed into something greater. I can share my thoughts here. I can do anything here. This is all mine. And I have endless warmth to gift to you. I am overjoyed to have my very own website now. I'm thinking about how much has changed within this year and...my goodness. Nothing is as it once was. I have died and been reborn a thousand times it seems, and I am grateful that you are here on this ride with me. Today marks 1 year of me being in service. My heart is almost going to be beat out of my chest right now. I am running off of a week's worth of little sleep and I couldn't be happier that I did it for this. I love you. There is so much more to come for The Roaring Siren this year. There is so much more to come for you, as well. Happy Blue Moon. Libra Full Moon. How beautiful this life is.

Love,

Kalaéja