I Don’t Know How To Be Anything But Love

I removed my blog off of my website for awhile.

I‘m not really sure why actually, because I like this place. So it is back.

Anyway.

You know those rides at amusement parks that dip in and out of water, but really fast? The rollercoaster rides? This year has felt like an ongoing water rollercoaster ride, with every dip in the water being a dip into the void that lasts much longer than seconds.

I love that place—the void, the abyss. The sacred healing space. It is profound, and each time I come out from underwater, I am amazed by what I feel, see, and remember from that realm. It has just been very hard this year. I cannot say harder than other years, just different. I have felt myself questioning the questions that make me question myself and my reality. Sometimes it has exhausted me. Sometimes I (more often than not this year) stop and think to myself “What the FUCK am I doing?”. I know what I am doing, you know, but then again I don’t. That’s the thing, none of us really know, even if we know. Does that make you feel naked and bare? I surrender again and again when I feel I am winding myself too tight. Breathe slow, breathe deeply.

I am an Artist. It is hard. You have to have a strong mind and foundation rooted deeply into Earth to pursue this path without breaking and going absolutely nuts. I have that, and I am so thankful that I do. I didn’t used to, I was a very broken teenage girl, but I am blessed to be where I am right now within. Truly, I am. I have worked hard to stand here and face many demons that almost swallowed me completely—well, maybe not completely…but I was in the belly of the beast with my toes sticking out of its mouth. Yet still, sometimes I am just like will I ever break past this fence I feel is trapping me? But, I say there is a fence when there is no fence. Does the fence disappear if I imagine myself freely prancing in and open field with endless opportunity at my fingertips?

I am Ebbing and Flowing through rational and irrational thoughts and that is perfectly normal. It is, I remind myself that I am doing great here. I am doing better than great. I guess this is a common artist thing. A common human thing. I never want to give up though, because what the hell else am I going to do besides this and more?

That crisis has seized almost completely (or so I thought) but today…oh man I was sitting on my floor really down about the whole thing. Really wondering if people really see me the way I want to be seen. Really hurting about my online “engagement” and shaking my head at this whole numbers game getting to me. God, I hate that. This whole social media fight to be seen ordeal. It is so overly saturated there. And then there’s this loneliness that tickles at my heart sometimes. The kind of tickling that is borderline torture because you’re screaming at someone to stop tickling you, and even though you’re laughing it’s pretty terrifying and you’re at the verge of a huge panic.

This Summer I am feeling extremely introspective, hermit-like, and downright reclusive. This is my natural state of being—although I genuinely thrive tremendously in social settings when I actually accept invitations and offers to leave my hermit cave. It’s even more than usual though. This is the state of being where even though I have so much love pouring out of me to give to people in my life, I just…don’t want to. I do not want to talk to anyone, really. Especially through technological devices because it is exhausting. I mean personal conversations, not social media interactions, or anything business related. I have my love who I am always with, and my immediate family, but I can’t bring myself to extend my bubble further right now.

This brings to me to that loneliness itch. These past two (going on three) years I have “lost” nearly all of my close friendships, to the point where I am not sure I truly know what friendship is (I know what it isn’t). It continues on, even when I think that it won’t. I say lost in quotations because it doesn’t feel like a loss to me in a bad way. I feel like I am moving on and so are they, and that is perfectly fine, even though it may hurt. I wonder how people who love me view me, how they feel when they think of my position in their heart. I saw a post last month on instagram that said to stop expecting yourself from other people. That smacked me hard, because I realized that I do that. I have just always questioned why people treat me a certain way when I would never do that to them. But they are not me, and I am not them. Close physical relationships are extremely important to me, and when it comes to female friendships, that no longer exists for me. At least not currently. I feel that where I am right now, I would not be able to nurture those anyway, but maybe I feel that way because I almost can’t imagine having them. I want to creatively visualize those friendships, but I am deeply involved in leveling up my life in areas where this doesn’t seem like something I should conjure up just yet. I can’t talk about these physical friendships without giving great thanks to the friendships I have made through social media—which in fact mean more to me. So this whole hermit business makes me distance myself from those great people, and I hate that. I just want to hug them, right here in the flesh.

The loneliness isn’t concrete, and I would rather a life without half-assed friendships where I don’t feel comfortable enough to open up and let them know one important thing about me, instead of holding on for dear life to people just so that I wouldn’t be alone. I have never been that way, in fact I love being alone. I love it so much it can be to a fault sometimes.

This Summer is very different, and I am excited to continue witnessing my growth through it all. I turn 24 years old on July 24th, and I will dance into my Golden Year with a smile on my face because I truly am so glad to be me in this human suit with my big ol’ heart.

I will continue on questioning myself because I cannot be stagnant, I must perpetually be in a state of growth. Though I will try and simmer down just a bit. Relax, and enjoy these waves. More Ocean dives. More doing nothing. More bird watching. More laying in grass and breathing in fresh air and laughing. I love to laugh, It is medicine. I love love and I am love and I don’t know how to be anything but love.

Spirit Warrior

who are you when you are alone?

does this you differ from who you are when surrounded by others?

during my morning yoga practice i kept hearing the same message again and again.

“do not let anyone tell you who you are, who you should be, and what you should be doing. those that try and shape you to fit the mold that is to their liking, do not care about who you truly are, but who they want you to be. this is not love.”

i knew right away that this was not a message meant solely for me, but i was meant to share it. afterward, i sat down to pull a card from my Oracle deck for me, and one specifically for those who journey with me through The Roaring Siren. and so God, Great Spirit, Universal Truth, The Most High—whatever you call All That Is, has lead me to create this post.

i have been working with the cards for almost 5 years now—and i am by no means a pro at this. i use divination as a personal tool for my spiritual growth, and i have never posted a reading of any sort online before (this moment is very special to me). i love divination very much, and i mostly work with crystals as a divination tool. soon, i will share that. maybe Moon Day messages will become a frequent thing here.

before i get into the card i pulled, i want to say that if you do not resonate with this message, please do not force yourself to. often i feel their is an over abundance of card pullings on the internet, and people force themselves to make those cards about them, even when they do not resonate with those messages. i believe this can greatly block your spiritual growth, and change the course of your journey, because you attached to a message that was not meant for you. sometimes you may be on a path that differs from someone’s collective message, and that is okay. be true to you. use your intuition and discernment.

Alakoa

Spirit of the Warrior

pulling from the Earth Warriors Oracle Deck. Guidebook by Alana Fairchild. artwork by Isabel Bryna

these words are my own

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Alakoa derives from the Hawaiian Koa tradition of fierce warriors, meaning ‘to cultivate the spirit of the warrior’.

often times, in the midst of chaos and destruction, the Spirit Warrior may feel discouraged and hopeless. the Spirit Warrior may often feel alone if they let the weight of burdens take over. the Spirit Warrior knows that without wholly truth, there is no peace. and though every piece of truth threatens the Matrix, they were born to rebel against what is not true. the Spirit Warrior refuses to be complacent in order to appease the game of the Matrix. the Spirit Warrior is all about transformation, and has the need to uphold goodness, justice, and truth. the Spirit Warrior is a fighter who is always guided by the Divine, even in times of darkness and despair (especially then).

now is not a time to give up, beloved. if you feel alone on your quest, tune into your Heart space. breathe into your Heart, and recognize that their are many spirit beings that walk beside you, as well as beings in the human flesh who serve as beautiful allies for the same cause as your own—the fight for humanity. let yourself be loved and uplifted by your fellow Spirit Warriors. you are not here to fight this fight alone.

love is the purpose for this battle. only this battle can be won with love and joy in our Hearts. Jimi Hendrix said, “when the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” the Spirit Warrior knows this, you know this. as you are tuned into Source, and your intuitive nature, the deeper you feel this joy and love. but do not be fooled, even you will feel anger, fear, doubt, and grief. over and over again. you will experience these ‘negative’ emotions because you are human after all. many are spinning the message that it is not ‘spiritual’ to feel these negative emotions. but how can one know peace if not for the experience of truth? anger is truth. the Spirit Warrior is not violent, no, but the Spirit Warrior does not repress their truth to uphold the image of what it is to be ‘spiritual’. all human beings are spiritual, by nature. you must nurture your soul, and discipline the mind (subconscious) to lessen the fear that comes from daydreaming about the future’s negative fantasies. you must learn how to manage your emotions, and use your lower emotions as fuel for battle. a transmutation of sorts. alchemy of the emotions.

do not be afraid to be soft. do not be afraid to feel, to be empathetic. we need that. we need more men and women who say “fuck that, i am filled with feelings and i am not afraid of them”. we need more women and men who get shit done with no excuses, and without bowing down to what other’s want us to be. we are who we are, with no apology, without dimming our truth. for if a Spirit Warrior represses their powerful Warrior energy, you deny yourself the right to be bold, present, joyous, and engaged. continue to surrender to the higher power’s guiding wisdom, beloved. make noise. yell, scream, and shout. this makes you beautifully human, it does not make you less than to use your God given right of self-expression. there is no peace where there is complacency.

it is not true that you feel too much. other’s will say “it is not that deep.” but it is! all of this is. and yes, you can change what you wish too. do not listen to those who dismiss your path and purpose. you are important, Spirit Warrior, and you are needed here on this Earth. everyone will not support your mission. use this energy as fuel to intensify what lies within your Heart to continue to fight.

the repression of the Spirit Warrior’s truth begins to look like overly aggression, cold judgement, self-criticism/doubt, self-sabotage, and violence (through dreams and in reality). you will feel the increasing need to act, but you will feel as though something is preventing you from doing so—as if your hands are cuffed behind your back. you will lose integrity without the cultivation of joy. if you become what they want you to be—silent, following orders, never questioning anything, what good will that do for yourself, or for anyone else? we are fighting against lower consciousness, remember this. you know this. many are damaged by this, and are tainted by forces of hate, and forces of evil. you cannot fight fire with fire. yes, you will plummet into the abyss of darkness and despair, but this is where intense magick happens. within darkness, profound healing takes place. if you have the will, you will rise again, reborn in the ashes as is the Phoenix. rise up again, with love, with joy, knowing that you have the power to lead humanity into a greater light. but do not dismiss the darkness, as this increases polarity. honor it, as you do light. empower your soul with love and compassion.

no person knows what it is like to be you, except for you. so why listen to the selfishness of what others want you to be? have you asked for their opinion? do not conform. be you. you in all of your truth, you in all of your strength, Spirit Warrior. always know that you may call upon your Divine guidance at any given moment. you shall not be stopped, do not let them get in your way. especially now, as there is not only a war on consciousness, but a war on our emotional well-being, a war on empathy. many people have become desensitized due to the overexposure of violence, suffering, and cruelty on social media. this is on purpose. own your emotions, do not let them have ownership of what is yours. the more you embody love, the more the agents will make way into your journey in attempts to sway you with every way possible from continuing along your path. fight harder then, but remember to rest when you need it. you are a leader, continue to lead. remember you have allies all around you. you never have to feel alone again.

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Many Different Places, Many Different Faces

i enjoy an escape.

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through music, dance, reading—i like the luxury of leaving the experience that is my life, and taking a trip through someone else’s mind and heart. i do not escape to forget who i am, but to remember. to gain more insight on the endless experiences that are simultaneously taking place here on Earth, and incorporating the things i see, smell, taste, feel, and hear into my art, and into my life (art is an imitation of life, i do not believe it is the other way around).

i am a daydreamer, and i always have been. a few minutes of zoning out and you will find me in a completely different world i have imagined, birthed, and began to explore. this is my favorite. just me and breath. me and the colorful images dancing around within my mind. daydreaming is very important tool, and i want more people to know that. we need to allow more time to allow for our minds to wander. and not wander into the world of stressing ourselves out over our long to-do list that never seems to shorten. daydreaming goes hand in hand with building upon our creativity. i gain so much insight when i daydream. i map out my life when i daydream. as i am a well seasoned daydreamer, and have learned how to use this habit of mind as a tool to improve my life, i have consciously shifted from playing out moments of my life that i do not want to experience, and instead i play out what i do want to experience. this has all come with practice in tapping into the power of my subconscious mind to positively altar my life in various aspects.

*if you want to learn more about tapping into the power of your subconscious mind, pick up the book Psycho-Cybernetics here, or listen to the audiobook here. this book is a holy grail, you will not regret it.*

my love for escape has allowed me to be many different faces, and live many different lives within my 23 Earthly year existence. what is a challenge for me though, is non-attachment to the journey—who i become, who i meet, and so on. i read a book and i have made best friends (sometimes enemies) with the characters. the same goes for a good series, or a beautiful film. i am a sucker for books that involve hardcore character development, with lots of colorful imagery, because it better enables me to deeply feel into this world. book series are my favorite, because i get to stick with these places for a long while, but it is also refreshing to read a stand alone novel, and know that this journey i am embarking on is to be lived for a short while, with a revisit if i feel called to.

to escape into a piece of music is an experience i will never be able to fully explain with words. last night i ate a good amount of an edible, and it hit me as i was listening to Ramin Djawadi’s music scores. i then ventured into a Game Of Thrones soundtrack (i fucking love that show) and was completely blown away how people actually…compose music. i mean, how? thinking about the language of music makes my heart beat uncontrollably. i do not have the gift of reading, writing, or playing music, but i heavily appreciate those that do. those that piece together master sounds to create something completely beyond this place. one of my favorite things to do while being high is to listen to classical and jazz (Pink Floyd are honorable mention). every single instrument, every single sound is amplified and you hear just about everything that is going on within the song. i am able to separate each noise, and some how slow it down, give it my undivided attention, while doing the same thing to so many other sounds. it’s remarkable, and i will always be mind blown by it. so much of my inspiration comes from music alone.

while we’re on the subject of being high, i do in fact partake in mama marijuana as recreation—but always with purpose and intention. i also love psychedelics, for they allow me warrior aid in ripping off the layers and masks i build as i live in this physical existence, while showering me with healing love as i die and am reborn again. i take psychedelics usage seriously, as in i go in to these journeys ritualistically. these too, are escapes for me, but i escape with them to heal. i escape with them to gain knowledge on who “i” am—who is no thing, and every thing, all at once. i do not escape with psychedelics to have a good time, i utilize their ancient medicine to learn.

i would get antsy, and rather maddening if i did not have my various avenues to escape within. art is too an escape for me. as i draw, paint, and create jewelry, i am escaping into a creation formed by my experiences in this physical vessel, as well as all of my otherworldly journeys. so you see, i do not view escapism as a bad thing. the truth is that Earth is a very unpleasant place to be sometimes. and life gets fucking chaotic. why would you not want to engage with sources that make you feel better, if only for some time? sources that allow you to melt into a state of relaxation. i use these sources as tools to build a less unpleasant place for me, and my loved ones to be. being in my body is tough sometimes, but i am learning more and more each day how to enjoy this Earthly experience with more gratitude, more softness, more laughter, and more love.

when escapism becomes avoidance, that is a different story. i (we) are not here to avoid our lives and run away from this experience. we are here to face them straight on. there are so many tools here for us that have the strong ability to make this experience sweeter. escapism can be a form of therapy, as it certainly burns away stresses of our daily lives. but like everything else in life, there must be a balance with escapism.

if your productivity begins to take a downfall, and you become stagnant, it would be very wise to reevaluate the ways in which you are escaping, for how long, and if you are particularly doing it to avoid some problem in your life. ask yourself what you are doing to avoid a situation, and why. find a way to be rooted, and flowing in the heavens and stars at the same time. the word escapism is negatively used in our society, and (outside of this post) i do my best to stay away from that word. my means of escape are my meditations, my time of recharging and refueling. call it something else that vibrates something more positive within you. reality is a special place to be. i am grateful for every day i get another chance at living, and although their are many factors and forces determining the direction of our lives, we do have the power to change and adjust our world to a certain extent. we are creators—obviously, as we create these many avenues outside of our reality to exist within. the same way we do that, we can create a more exciting life for us.

what is the difference between use and abuse?

perception is everything.

The Heart's Abyss and Other Stories

Maybe I would like to say that my hermit ways exist only within the darker, colder months of the year—but that would be a lie. I light up around the right people, I love being in social situations when I am in a particular social mood, but most of all I prefer the company of myself. I have always been this way, and as I hermit I create worlds. I dance and play in these worlds, taking in their magick. My hermit nature allows me to create endlessly, and for that I am grateful.

Winter is very special (though Fall is my favorite, and I do think I could exist within a world where it is Fall always), and I feel Winter approaching in my Heart before anything. I feel the need to prepare the stripping of myself fully naked and for the burial underneath piles of snow. I have to prepare to get raw, to go deep, to rest. Oh how I thoroughly enjoy the rest that comes with Winter. Me under mountains of blankets with my books and cups of tea (I am currently in a loving relationship with Earl Grey).

Winter provides the environment for much Shadow Work, realigning, and lots and lots of decay. Not only do the trees shed their leaves, but we shed the pieces of ourselves that are no longer in alignment with who we currently are, and that’s okay, it’s delightful even. Less weight, more flying. More shedding. more change. Snake medicine.

I go through many dramatic phases in my life, because I am a very dramatic, intense, romantic person. I don’t see this as a bad thing at all. I like to experience feeling as much as I possibly can. I love to feel. I love to express my feelings through my art, it is the only way I can enjoy this life. Intensely, or not at all, that is my motto. I had a dream days ago where I finished destroying the symbolic physical example of something I am currently working through within the 3D, and afterwards I found myself picking out a silky robe and lingerie for my rebirth. I kept telling everyone around me that I have to “go die now”, and if my sweet Cancer man (my real life lover) came looking for me, tell him I had to go die but I’ll be reborn soon. That outfit was my rebirth outfit. It was all black—which made me giggle when I recalled the dream because I love to wear black and it’s funny that I wanted to be reborn in black instead of white. In this dream, I was a literal phoenix with magickal powers. It was beautiful., oh my goodness It was a more dramatized version of how I feel in my day-to-day life. Like a phoenix. I come back stronger each time I rebuild from my ashes.

And so, The Heart’s Abyss and Other Stories came to life from this fiery sexy dream of mine. Using the feelings I experienced within this dream to create a collection of jewelry that can work as allies throughout the dark days. Crystals are tools filled with potent medicine that I utilize in any and every situation in my life. The jewelry pieces I created for this Winter collection hold the power to heal along the journey of deepening and freeing up space within the Heart…and anything else that you desire to fill the pages of those other stories.

Lapis Lazuli, Black Onyx, Garnet, Jade

Lapis is the Hot Spring that will loosen you up after being wound so tightly, anxious, and out of sync with your intuition. Lapis takes you to a beach where you may be renewed. A tranquil beach that encourages you to go deeper into yourself. Rich blue waters acting as a potent male-female harmonizer ( harmonizing the aspects of yourself that are polar, so that they may learn to love one another and work together). Lapis wants your imagination to run free. Pineal Gland activation.

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Black Onyx will lead you to show you how powerful you truly are, and how you are able to grab ahold of your life and draw things to you with ease. A gentle whisper in the night to dance to the drums that are calling you to let go. You are protected with Black Onyx. Your fears and anxieties are soothed, you are being lifted back up again to stand strong on your feet.

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Garnet feels like Mama Earth’s sacred blood. Rich, fertile, potent. Garnet knocks on the Heart and will warm it all Winter long. The heat of Garnet is not something to run away from, for this heat can be harnessed and channeled whenever you need it. This fire. Garnet during Winter will remind you again and again that you are still a child of this planet, and through the gloom you are loved. Yes, you are so loved.

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Jade…Jade…a thousand blessings giggling within this delicious Green, waiting to tangle themselves all around you. Jade wants butterflies to travel through your center when you feel the richness of your life and how wonderful it is that you are who you are. Jade wants you to experience life fully and as abundantly as you do in your favorite dreams. Jade grabs your hand and prances with you through your dreams. Jade makes them clearer, as she wants you to see that it is never just a dream.

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I let crystals tell me their story, and develop a relationship with them before I assume they will work for me the exact way a book / article online says they will. You will experience a crystal’s medicine differently from other people. and that is so beautiful. Allow yourself to open up to the face they will greet you with. It might be completely different than what I described above, and allow it. Allow it all.

The Heart’s Abyss and Other Stories is an opening to the unknown.

At the beginning of this journey, you will be greeted by a Sagittarius fire that has been dimmed for too long. This fire will guide you throughout the darkness of the Winter months.

Even when you think that you have reached the end of your journey, go deeper, always deeper. I am with you here.

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